10) “I’m Me,” Lil Wayne. See comment on Number One (forthcoming).
9) “Party People,” Nelly feat. Fergie. Nelly and Fergie are exactly the same kind of talent, with the same ferocious desire to be down, despite being Vegas to the depths of their immortal souls. They should make many many songs together.
8) “Sounds So Good,” Ashton Shepherd. She keeps getting called a “classicist,” which is almost always a curious category, indicating an appeal to some canonical-but-lost value. But which one? The sound is scarcely a throwback to Lynn or Cline, Parton or Judd, or even Reba, for that matter. It’s probably closer to the truth to say that Shepherd is Gretchen Wilson if Gretchen Wilson could sing and wasn’t so proud of herself for her faux-militance and camouflage bikinis. It’s still hard to believe we had to take that humorlessly ludicrous shit seriously, but if Ashton Shepherd is the recompense, maybe it was worth it.
7) “That Song In My Head,” Julianne Hough. Apparently she is a very good dancer. She is not a remarkable singer, but this song is so well-written that even a mediocre dancer could have charted with it; Hough goes after it with her best Deana Carter circa “We Danced Anyway,” and it’s plenty good enough.
6) “Hot 'N Cold,” Katy Perry. Well, after years of top songs by extraordinarily unlikeable and heinous guys, I suppose the gals deserve a turn or two thousand. As a footnote, a notable moment of 2008: “I Kissed a Girl” hits number one the same week that gay marriage is (briefly) legalized in California. Katy Perry should forced to donate a thousand hours of public service getting Proposition 8 overturned. So should Lil Wayne.
5) “Get Back,” Demi Lovato. The thing to understand about Pink and Avril Lavigne is that their self-positioning-via-insult-of-bubblegum-divas schtick is not simply disingenuous unto hypocrisy (as our man Alexander notes gently here). What Pink and Avril ignore most significantly is that they are all part of a singular process, the great peristaltic motion of the biz. They are working for their supposed antagonists, working for the industry as a whole to open up new markets for Disney pop. Their historic mission is to make the world safe for Demi Lovato to make songs considerably better than theirs, and indeed to make the best “rock” song of the year; Demi is possible not despite but because of Pink and Avril, bad faith and all.
4) “Fascination,” Alphabeat. A little Katrina and the Waves, a little Cure, hmm, David Bowie’s young dudes but not quite all of them, a little Human League plus Animotion plus Roxette and, as one site has it just right, “Gay or Europop?” Already dropped from their major label, 12/20/2008. Uh-oh.
3) “Rocks In Your Shoes,” Emily West. Boy howdy did this song go nowhere. Thumbnail theory: it’s too well-written.
2) “Untouchable,” Taylor Swift. The original, by Luna Halo, is the kind of machinically angular mess that has one foot in jackass Red Hot Chili Peppers and another in the neo-new-wave dance rock that fell like a pestilence on the land shortly after the millennium. In short, "Untouchable" is in the first instance perhaps the most awful song one could imagine on short notice. This cover, conversely, is patient, delicate, and implacably beautiful, which gives one pause about what musical genius might be.
The Number One Song will be appearing on its own, in the form of a brief note concerning the year and the decade to date. How many paragraphs? Oh, roughly five; thanks for asking. When will it appear? Anon, my loves, anon.